Thank you so much for this! I am a Ph.D. candidate planning to graduate in two years… and just found out that I’m pregnant (our first!). One of the biggest lingering questions for me has been: do I want to try to find a tenure track job? With all the stress it entails? Take a smaller job? But then is the income worth it? Or should I stay home? My husband is also in graduate school (to be a veterinarian), so with the academic job market, sometimes my future income seems uncertain and ancillary (whereas his is pretty promising). Anyway, I really appreciate your candor and thoughtful post!

Hey Dana,
It’s so sweet of you to put your feelings and thoughts out in the world like this, I love it. I wanted to share that my mom is a nurse, and she stayed home with my sister and I while we were growing up, which was great.
As we started getting older, junior high, she transitioned to working part-time. During the summer in those early years she would give us assignments to do in the morning while she was at work. Sometimes it was a craft and sometimes it was an academic thing (memorize the states or something like that). After a couple years passed, she started working full time again.
I think she loved staying home with us, but I know it was extremely hard to do. Looking back on it now, I remember her getting frustrated when we would make a mess after she had just cleaned up. It’s kind of a no-win job in terms of getting the house clean, and the sense of accomplishment is fleeting. But, I am happy and thankful that she was able to be with us when we were kids.
So, I give you a virtual high-five for doing what you do. It’s worth all the work in the end.
Warmly,
Nicole

Thank you for sharing this! I’ve been a stay at home mom for about 2 months and there are days when I feel like I am drowning. I recently accepted a PT work from home job (added bonus: it’s for real estate investors who flip houses, woohoo!) and I’m excited to have a grown up side to my daily routine. At the same time I’m worried that I’m going to drown even more. Only time will tell. Sounds like you made the best decision for your family. :)

I taught Kindergarten full time for over 10 years. Right now, I teach part time, and it’s THE BEST. For me and our family, working part time is such a nice balance. I am able to do what needs to be done at home, and I also get to go to work, and socialize with my colleagues for part of the day. I can see myself keeping my part time job for years and years to come. I really would prefer to not work full time again. I love having that extra time to be there for my family, prepare healthy food for us, and do errands and house chores as needed.

My husband and I don’t have kids yet, but are planning to start a family in the next couple years. I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, but the longer I work before having kids, the more I realize that I will miss working so much! Love hearing your perspective.

I totally understand it all. I have been a SAHM for 5 years and some days it is great other days it totally sucks. I toy with getting a part time job at night/weekends, but then I have to tell myself that it would take time away from our family and also, any tri/runnning training I am in the midst of, (which almost always). I feel my IQ has dropped, I have no idea what is going on in the world and like you have I have a hard time forcing myself out of the house. Either way working outside the home or being a SAHM is tough, it is all work.

I absolutely love this post and your honesty. Thank you. XO

Thanks for sharing this! I’m not a mom but made a major life decision to quit practicing law last year. A big part of that was prioritizing what is important in my life. It takes a lot of courage to do what is right for you and nearly as much to share it with the world.

Dana, I absolutely loved this post. I do not have any kids myself, but I work and study full time – on top of that I have just decided to start a blog. I needed an outlet for all the things my everyday life wasn’t giving me.
So even though our situations are nowhere near the same, I take joy in knowing one day all this hard work is going to pay off and maybe Ill be lucky enough to be able to stay home with my (future) kids, so I should enjoy now for what it is because maybe one day I will miss this time too.

Just to add – I love your blog and everything you put in it. I read this blog for you and not for how awesome your kitchen looks (it does look really awesome, though).

I have been a SAHM for 8 years and find that, on some days, I am still trying to get the hang of it. I think we all go through the same feelings at one time or another.

The hardest thing for me is reconciling the fact that, while my husband works incredibly hard at work and helps out a lot at home, it is a change of scenery/duties for him while my day is largely the same in the same place. Luckily, I have the greatest husband who is very understanding and, as my kids grow, I see the difference between them and their friends whose parents both work. Those differences show me that I made the right decision for me and for our family.

Also keep in mind that just because you don’t work outside of the house full-time now doesn’t mean you can’t do so in the future. Both my mother and aunt were stay at home moms until around the time my cousins and I were in high school, now my mother owns and runs her own antique mall and my aunt went back to school and became a doctor. I suppose this goes along with your Sam’s Club quote above.

I am so happy I stumbled upon this post. I was a teacher before I became a mom, and I’ve stayed home with my daughters for the past 5 years, I feel like you put all of my thoughts into beautiful words that make so much sense. So refreshing to know there’s good company in the trenches. And the poop talk is a huge hit here as well.

I love this post. I worked as a therapist for a gov’t agency in children’s mental health before quitting after 9 years this April. I have two little kids and my youngest was doing so poorly in daycare (just finding it really hard to separate, and it was getting worse, not better) that the amount of money I was spending on taking them there coupled with the fact that I didn’t like my job anymore made it an easy, but scary decision to quit. I am now working on building my private practice and am so happy I can work around the kids’ schedules. There are days where I’m bored and frustrated and totally missing a bigger paycheque, but I think my kids are happy I’m here more. Your list definitely resonated with me :)

Great post! I’ve been home with our 5 kids since the first was born in 2002. I’m 41 now, and I can’t see further ahead than tomorrow’s breakfast. I tell people that I used to be really smart… I really was… and I’m not anymore, but it’s all worth it. Have you ever read the Tightwad Gazette? A great resource for frugal living and a wonderful look at how you prioritize your money and your time — because that’s where your heart is.

I cannot express how much I love this post. I quit my job in financial services marketing this past May, and I’m struggling with some of the very same things. I still need to find my creative or intellectual outlet because that’s where I’m feeling the most lost. Well, that and the incredible loneliness that comes with being a SAHM of small child. I told my husband when we decided that I would stay home that I thought the bad days would feel worse and the good days, so much sweeter. And that has definitely held true.

I completely empathize with your post. Thank you for sharing!!

I have a dear friend who is expecting her second and recently asked me for feedback on my decision to stay home with our children. When I really stepped back and gave thought to this experience so far I realized that in all it’s been entirely freeing. I feel excited like a freshman in college. That feeling where I can do anything, be anyone, pursue what makes me passionate. I was in biomedical sales before our 4 beans came along and now I am looking down the line and thinking about a completely different career track. I feel lucky that my experience at home with my kids has awakened this in me.

Thank you for writing this post!
I just recently quit my job of 11 years and started full time with a start up company that I 100% believe in( Sierra Sage… you reviewed some of the products a while back!! thanks again!). Although I still work full time.. it is more like 40 hours a week with some longer travel weeks verses the 60-70 hours week that I was working. Because of this, I am able to take my kiddos to school, pick them up and for the first time since I have been married, spend an entire day TOGETHER on the weekends. It is amazing. On the flip side, I took a severe pay cut . It has been super hard but for the first time I am out of my comfort zone and I am kinda loving it. My hubby and I are even discussing renting our house, buying an old RV and living on our land that we bought last year. Saving up mula for a couple years and then building our sweet farmhouse on the hill. The idea of moving to a 400 square foot space has never sounded better!

Bravo, Mama, for talking so openly! Working vs SAHM is such a ridiculous debate and one that shouldn’t exist. It’s SO important for women to speak honestly and directly about motherhood, in all it’s ups and downs, in all it’s idiosyncrasies.
I left my career after the birth of baby #1, which my husband and I had planned on from the beginning…and I HATED it. I frequently heard how “lucky” I was…and I frequently had to bite my tongue.
Being at home is such a delicate balance…I struggled (struggle-?) with feeling like I’m not doing enough to the opposite end of the spectrum of feeling overwhelmed with waaaay too much.
I feel much more balanced now, (3 kids later!), but I’ve also realized that pursuing my own interests is as important as facilitating the interests and needs of my family. Some days it’s taking a photography class and some days it’s a glass of tea and time to catch up on my favorite blogs. ; )
I LOVE being home for the little things and being able to volunteer in my older children’s school and classroom.
I DISLOVE how easy it is for me to segregate myself from the rest of the world. (Also grateful for an insightful and thoughtful husband who says “GET OUT NOW” in the most loving way!)
You appear to be doing a really good job, Lady. Keep it up!

I was just having a conversation with my husband about this exact thing. I quit my job to stay at home with our 2 girls and while I didn’t enjoy what I was doing for work, I missed the feeling of contributing financially. I guess it’s easier to see what you’re bringing to the table when it can be measured in dollars. My husband is constantly reminding me that I’m contributing to our girls’ lives in a way that can’t be measured.

Play dates help. Sometimes I get cabin fever being at home with the girls and just hanging out with other mom’s while simultaneously letting the toddler burn off some energy is always refreshing for everyone.

I’m actually excited for the day when my girls are grown and I can fill my days with whatever I want. Not that I’m excited for them moving out because I’ll probably bawl my eyes out and cling to their ankles while they try to run away, but excited for the new chapter of life it will be. All that to say, I’m giving you the slow-clap and nodding my head because I understand this exact thing. I’ve actually been thinking about what I’m going to do with my time once it’s not filled with wiping up messes and changing diapers. Like really evaluating the things I like to do and what job I could have that allows me to utilize those things and still challenges me.

Okay, I’m rambling now and I have dishes that need to be washed since both babies are asleep. :D

Thanks for inspiring me to chime in! I have 3 grown kids and quit my nursing job when my kids were young so I could be a full time Mom. It was my goal to be there after school because I also had wished that when I was growing up.(You are hearing your kids well!) All 3 got college degrees and thank me often for being there for them. And even now at 61 I am still there for them when they need me. Its the best feeling that you can drop everything for them or the grandkids. I did not go back to work when they left home as there was just always something for me to learn and do. I too got disappointed in medical care industry. My new hobbies make money too. I read books and do online research. Then I started trading stocks and options. I dabbled in some eBay selling after my husband changed careers and we decided to sell his tools. And it goes on and on. I am always finding something fun to do like I swim laps at the local pool all summer and I feel happy like the child who can’t get enough pool time. We feel like our life has been so much richer with me not working outside the home even if I sometimes don’t get out for days at a time. We buy what we need. But our needs are so much less than most. Used cars are fine and my husband drives an 18 year old car for his 4 mile commute even now. Our house has been paid off way back before the kids hit college. None of our 3 children had any loans when they graduated from college. They worked summer jobs and saved every paycheck. They paid half and we paid half. They worked summers through college and we gave them older cars to drive. They had what they needed too. So when others say it takes 2 paychecks to survive I know better as we made goals and priorities that carried us through. The Tightwad Gazette was my inspiration. And I tutored each of mine through the same algebra spots that they did not understand in middle school. I even tutored one of there then college friends through some math issues later on. So even if you think you loose some IQ it’s still there when you need it. And it took me many years to mentally shift my guilt of not working for a paycheck.

As a husband and father it is a wonderful blessing to have the opportunity for my wife to stay home with our kids. She has shared many of the same thoughts as you have expressed. But sometimes I feel that no matter how much I express my gratefulness for her endless, tiring work she does for our family it doesn’t sink in. So from a husband and father with a stay at home wife, we know how hard you all work and we could never truly express how thankful we are that you unselfishly give to our families on a daily basis. You are greatly appreciated!

I used to think that once the kids were in high school that I could just shift back to working part time but having stayed at home since the kids have been born, it’s a hard shift to make. Teens still need you even though they don’t admit that they do and seem to act completely otherwise. And that feeling of coming home to a parent after school as opposed to an empty house, I don’t think that feeling ever gets old. Home is so much more than just a pretty, tidy, organised house, it’s the people in it that make it. I still struggle a lot of the time coming to grips with the feeling that somehow I am missing out, I am not contributing financially. And yet deep down I know that because I am home, my husband and I fight less, you know the ones that involve who takes leave to stay home with the sick kid, yes it can still be frantic when everyone has things on but when one parent has the flexibility to work around it, it does wonders for the family dynamic. That zen and peace that pervades the home is more easily maintained and my kids love coming home even as teens. Not saying that it’s the only way to go for every mom, but it was a decision we made and it has worked for us. Will I never go back to work? I can’t say for sure what the future holds, but for now, I am learning contentment, counting my blessings and making peace with the fact that I don’t have to justify my SAHM status…which never seems to amaze me because 50 years ago no one would’ve even dreamed of asking a SAHM, “what do you DO all day?” or “Don’t you get bored?”

Totally get everything you are saying! I’ve always been a SAHM… for the last 13 years to two kids. I started going crazy immediately. What did I do to counter this? Well, I have degrees in interior design, university studies, and graphic design, and half of a masters. I watch documentaries and read obsessively. Because of the area we live in and the real money I would be bringing home, it didn’t make sense for me to work either. It just didn’t seem to be worth all the hassle. I also take free online courses through Coursera. They are great. And I find it very satisfying to overlook the finances in our house and meet goals on a modest income. I also do pro bono design work for causes that I find important and paid work occasionally. I think it is a constantly changing balancing act. Sometimes things work for me and other times they don’t, but at least I have the flexibility to make changes easily. I’m not sure what I will do when the kids are gone, but it doesn’t scare me. I may not work or I may, don’t know and I guess that’s okay.

8 comments before someone took a shot at situations where both parents work. That’s actually pretty good! Nice to see everyone else keeping it civil.

I think not knowing is okay, too.

You are not alone in your sentiments. Steve has voiced the same thing. Thank goodness for appreciative partners!

You are the second person to mention Tightwad Gazette. I hadn’t heard of it before this post. I’ll have to check it out! Thanks for chiming in.

Although not a parent and a SAHM I can relate to this post. I have worked from home for two years running a family business and sometimes worry my IQ is dropping..I wonder if I could still play the part in the corporate world and reenter the paid workforce now. Although I enjoy my work, it is daunting wondering if you have done the right thing. For me blogging is a hobby and a way for me to have a creative outlet and working in a paid fulltime corporate role wouldn’t have allowed me to do that so I am very grateful.

Thought this might be helpful :)

http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/guest-blog/2013/07/21/the-awesomest-7-year-postdoc-or-how-i-learned-to-stop-worrying-and-love-the-tenure-track-faculty-life/

Thank you so much for this post, and all the thoughtful comments it inspired. Its so easy – inherent perhaps to the solitary nature of the work we do as SAHMs that we miss out on the support of the greater community of women and men who chose to stay at home with the kids despite the many challenges. I find it particularly challenging to square my independent, feminist leanings with the role I chose here, but isn’t that what feminism was supposed to be about – choice?! I LOVE what I do now more so than I ever loved any job I had before, I even love the creative challenges of trying to make a happier life for us all with less money coming in. As my youngest child gets older I’m aware that the question of going back to work grows louder in my mind and though it would ease a lot of the economic burden on my husband I’d miss everything else about this really. I’ve had two children seperated by 9 years, I stayed home with my first until she went to kindergarten, and left my job again 4 years later when my second was born. That was four years ago. Very young children always engender a near constant state of confusion and preoccupation with the logistics involved. I know things tend to clear up as they grow and I hope you find the same to be true. Having a teenager around to converse with has helped greatly to balance out the “poop and butts” themes – who ever says anything positive about teenagers? I do – every chance I get! Its been so gratifying to be home for my eldest to see her becoming a young woman. I’m rambling now, but I’m so glad to hear that others are doing and contemplating the same ideas. Oh, I find that looking ahead at what I could do once my youngest is a little older has been exciting in the same way I get excited by trying to figure out how to stretch our budget – its a creative challenge! I haven’t landed on more than a few vague ideas about self employment but I like trying to puzzle it out.

This post means more than you can imagine. I worked outside the home before I had my kids and I loved it. I’m fortunate to be a work-from-home mom now, holding the same position I have for years but without the commute, without the hours away from my kids, and with the ability to keep up with the household during any down time. I still find myself being envious though – of those working outside the home and escaping the craziness of motherhood for those precious hours and of those able to be stay at home moms who can give themselves 100% to their kids and not worry about the day’s conference call schedule and deadlines. That darn grass always seems greener on the other side and it’s nice to have a reminder that everyone’s lawn has some brown patches mixed in.
Even though I’m a working mom, I often don’t feel satisfied with my social life because much of my adult communication happens via email or conference call. So I started a part-time photography business because it was a natural way for me to pursue my passion, interact with other adults, and make some extra cash for our home remodel. The bonus is that I’m 100% in control of my schedule, and that feels great.

I read this post on my phone and had to come back when I found time on the laptop. So glad you wrote about this. I just became a mom 4 months ago and will be staying home for the foreseeable future. This is something we planned and we have always lived off of one income. I never “saw” a paycheck because it was diverted to pay off our home. But, I have thought about what I do and do not miss about work recently. I do not miss my job. It was never my career job, but it paid great and allowed us to meet some amazing financial goals. But since I have been off (and I know I just had a baby) but I can tell my mental state is not the same. I feel so unfocused. And I *hate* it when other Mom’s tell me it never goes away. I cannot abide by this. I think it has to be a choice. I need my mind back. Even if my former career job wasn’t as stimulating as it could have been, I also recognize only being a caretaker will not satisfy my mind.

So, I am taking my education (both in and outside of schooling) my work experience (both in corporate sales and being raised on a farm) and I am tilling up 1 acre of our land and growing wholesale fresh cut flowers next year. So excited!

Thoughtful post. For every choice there really is a sacrifice, yes? We also bought an older home in need of some care, living off of one income, on which we could put our stamp (my creative outlet while being at home with 3 children). Now off to clean up the nail polish that’s all over the bathroom floor and put away the pot roast everyone complained about. Later I can gaze over 3 children, beautifully asleep, gin and tonic in hand.

I know you posted this for Beth but, damn!, so many good takeaways…and I’m not in academia. Absolutely loved the part about admiring the obsessively dedicated and how we need to get away from that to bring some humanity to the table. What a great read!

What a great point you bring up, Rebecca…being at home and staying true to independent, feminist views. I think it is all about choosing what is right for you. Sometimes it’s such a heavy decision!

There are days where my favorite and least favorite parts were both “being at home”. Maybe you can relate? I tell Steve and the kids that I’m complicated but I think I’m just human. It sounds like you may have found some good middle ground. Best of luck with your new endeavor!

Thanks for this post. I’ve been struggling with this since my daughter was born two years ago. I want to be home so badly to be able to spend more time with her and manage the house, but I also want to keep working. Right now, I’m trying to build a freelance business while I work full time, which basically means I work around the clock. I’m not sure where this is headed, but sometimes it feels like (for moms especially) no choice makes complete sense, is totally fair, or will ever have everyone’s support.

It’s so interesting to hear so many of us struggling with this issue. I just went back to work as a journalist after a year of maternity leave, so I have thought about this a lot lately. For me, the transition back to work has been both positive and extremely difficult. My first few days back, I periodically went to the bathroom to cry because I missed my sweet little guy so much. Now, six weeks into my return to work, I finally feel like I’m starting to enjoy my job again. I loved having the opportunity to stay home and be a full-time Mom for a year, but I wonder if I would yearn for more independence, action, and intellectual stimulation if I were to stay at home. On the other hand, I still pine for my kid during the day and wish I had more time at home with him. I agree with the previous poster — for women, this is a constant tug-of-war that we may never really feel 100% satisfied with. All we can do is figure out what feels “most right” and go from there.

Sometimes I tell my husband “I have a college degree and I spend all my time cleaning up our children’s grossness”. While I know that the best thing I can do for our family and probably for society in general is be home with our kids it is often hard to see good results on a day to day basis. I think that is why I like being physically creative… sewing, painting, building, I like doing things where I can see actual results, it gets me through those days where I don’t feel motherhood has been rewarding. I can honestly say though that those rewarding mothering moments blow any other “rewarding” feelings you can have out of the water.

thank you for laying it all out. truly appreciate your honesty. the one thing I can add is that if you want your children to pursue their dreams you need to pursue yours. isn’t this what this space is all about?

I second the part-time work thing! I love it. Feel like my brain gets to shift gears for those hours of the week, and I get to be away from my kids- which gives me space to miss them.

Having an awesome sitter, who they love, makes it pretty ideal. It feels like a win/win for everyone.

I worked in Architecture for several years before my daughter was born and have not returned to work full time since. I had many of the same feelings as you, some things I miss and some I don’t. Although it was a creative the job was also filled with red tape – code reviews and letters to the permit office and the Fire Marshall were far from anything I thought being an architect was about. Since having children I have worked but it has always been something flexible or something I could do from home and for that I am thankful. I cannot imagine working full time and still being a pleasant mother I just don’t have enough patience. As my children have gotten older (9 and 14) I have been able to add more work into the schedule. Last year I started my blog and have been doing more and more design work, but still on my own terms. Just yesterday I was laying out an art arrangement for one of my clients on the living room floor and my 14 year old daughter asked me where it was going. I told her it was for a client and her exact words were “You should get more clients! You seem really happy when you have things to do other than just chores around the house.” I love my kids, but she is right. We all need something for “Me.” I totally agree with Jen if you want your children to pursue their dreams you need to pursue yours. Remember kids grow up. One day they move away (hopefully) to do there on things and at that point it will be important that there is something left of “You.”
Find the balance that works for you and throw guilt out the window.
Thanks for sharing

Heavy indeed. The decision is compounded when considering the examples we are setting for our children. I choose to believe that we can model the complexities and seeming contradictions of flawed flexible loving people even when we navigate difficult circumstances. We like to generalize with catch phrases about reaching for the stars and having it all, but life can be so much less glamorous and yet so much more gratifying.

Love this post. I have a love/dislike relationship with being a stay-at-home mom. I will have a big change next year when I go back to work as my littlest is in kinder. But I wanted to share that I have a running joke that sometimes being a SAHM feels like Groundhogs day (if you have ever seen that movie). Man, if the seasons didn’t change I would be in big trouble.

Thank you for this honest post! My husband is in the military and we recently moved to Germany. I was forced to leave a job I LOVED. A very prestigious job. Luckily, I have the best job in the world now – mum to my sweet 21 month old. Leaving my job was a giant blessing, as was being financially able to, but like you said, there is a lot you miss when you leave a job, even if you WANT to stay at home with your children (which I do, until they are in school, then please please get me back into the work force). There is a sense of self worth that comes with doing something outside of the house, at least for me, and I am still struggling finding my spot in our home, in the world, in society. Luckily, I have a few smaller part time gigs that keep me busy, photography and blogging, but I still struggle every day. It’s such a strange feeling too. I want nothing more than to spend my days with my son, to be here when he’s home, to not miss this part. To have another child and be able to be with that child like I was with my first son (I worked from home before). But I often feel like I’m doing nothing, I have nothing to show for a days of exhausting work, I need a break from that sweet boy that I love so much. It’s a tough balance, parenting and working. Self-sacrifice for our children and self-preservation for ourselves.

Wonderful post, Dana! Thought-provoking and relevant to so many of us, I’d imagine.

Thanks to Kay for the link to the tenure-track post. I’m a third year tenure-track faculty member myself, and work-life balance is constantly on my mind (just as it is for so many others, including parents who work at home–as evidenced by Dana’s post). I like the point in the faculty post about striving to be the best “whole person” we can be!

Hi Dana,
I agree with Marissa and Katherine, after staying home for 8 years with my three. This last year my youngest started preschool and I accepted a part-time job in my field which has been GREAT!
I enjoy the mental challenge, though its definitely been a challenge and somedays I do feel over stretched with homework and activities, and my days are definitely full. But Its a good feeling for right now, and I am blessed to be able to do it.
I’ve been struggling with increasing my FTE with increasing workload and responsibility at work, but I think this post helped me remember what I love about being at home… so it makes the answer for me easier.

One more thought… I think you said that you work out at home, but I have found that the gym is a huge blessing for a SAHM. The women I’ve met there are happy, satisfied with their lives, and empowered (so cheesy, I know, but generally true). I’ve made some great friends at the gym. And did I mention, most gyms have daycare? Instead of 24 hours a day with the kids, it becomes 22-23, and I absolutely enjoy that little break. I get my workout in, get a shower ALL BY MYSELF, and have fun chatting with the other moms. Often there are playdates afterwards. All good stuff.

Our family just made the decision for me to stay home and it’sbeen good and bad. There are certainly things I miss and I can feel guilty about that if I don’t watch myself. I appreciate your honesty and I couldn’t agree with you more that 15 years from now I will not miss working more!

I totally get what you are saying. I went back to work part time after I had my daughter 4 years ago, and then took a year off when I had my son in January of 2013. Then a month after I went back I was fired, and now I have an amazing part time job and it is the PERFECT balance. I work for myself, I come and go as I please. There are many a moments where I wish I contributed more to the financial aspect of our home but my husband swears up and down that contributing to our childrens daily life is worth so much more. But all of your feelings in todays post are my feelings too. So glad to see them written down.

Can you tell me what extracurricular activities your boys are involved in? Do you limit how many activities per child? Just curious how you balance this.

Thank you for this post. I needed to see this. I am currently expecting my first child and struggling with the impending choice I’ll need to make to keep working or to stay at home. I fear I’ll miss many of the things you say you miss – a paycheck, time to myself, using my brain for intellectual thought – but will the rewards outweigh the downfalls? I still have 6 months to think it over but you’ve given me a lot of food for thought here. Thanks.

I completely resonate with you Melissa (and you, Dana! Thanks for the article!). My son was born in July and I’m now a new SAHM.. There are days where I am so unbelievably thankful to be home but there are days where I miss getting dressed and ready for work and going out to lunch with colleagues and accomplishing something other than dinner. I hate the debate of SAHM vs working mom- because there is so much more to it than that. I’m not being ungrateful for the privilege I have to stay at home when I say I’m struggling with being bored or wanting something to throw myself into besides diapers and feeding schedules. My family is so supportive, though, which has made a big difference. I’m now looking into starting a lifestyle blog and perhaps local consulting business for home organization and new expecting moms. I’m not sure where I’ll end up but it’s exciting to know I have options- perhaps more than I had when I was in my rat race marketing job. And that’s a great feeling!

Enjoy every minute. It really goes by quick.
( from a SAHM of 2 children, one in high school and one in college)
One day you will be proud of your choice and miss seeing their faces everyday.
On the tough days, give extra hugs. :)

I TOTALLY relate about the haircuts!

Are you a mind reader?!?! My husband and I were just talking about this last night. Not that we are in a position to have only one income, but in general, how hard life can be with kids. How things change when you have kids. I knew my thoughts weren’t crazy, but it’s nice to hear other mothers having the same feelings. Thank you!

CONGRATS on becoming mortgage free in 2016! What a huge accomplishment!! Last year, we bought our “dream” house that was almost 3 times the size of our previous home & took on a sizable mortgage with it. I’m very unhappy with my current job, but it pays really well. I *thought* having my dream home would be worth suffering through each day to pay for our dream home. Sadly, it’s not. I would love to hear more about your financial strategies, budgets, goals and how you worked through those during the transition of cutting your income in 1/2. Thanks for sharing!

Love hearing other people’s thoughts on this. I think about all things related to career vs staying home all the time! I miss my old job, but for a long time I found it hard to pinpoint what it was I missed about it! I still struggle to work out why because there is so much about going back to work in my old publishing job that I know I couldn’t physically do anymore, like travel 3 hours a day back and forth just to work or work late or run around the city attending launch after launch and forcing myself to write nice things about advertisers I despise. And that world has changed so much in the years I’ve been gone from it, I don’t feel I have a place there anymore. The biggest problem for me is not so much that I miss my old career, but that I no longer know what it is I want to do anymore when the time comes to start work again properly. And I WANT to have a career again, once Annika is at preschool perhaps (so about 4 years away!!), but I have no idea in what capacity. In my mind, I see myself with a small business – possibly a small retail and hire space or creating my own line of something – but when and how and if always pop up and I just shut off from thinking about it for a while. And there is no need to right now – I don’t NEED to work; Steve has a great job, we have a small mortgage and are financially secure. We’re lucky, I realise that, but it doesn’t stop me having these little debates with myself every now and then!

Layla said something to me about a year ago that horrified me. I said she couldn’t visit a friend’s house this particular day because her friend’s mum had to work. She looked at me with a funny look on her face and said “mums don’t work!”. I nearly died! And promptly gave her quite the lecture about all sorts of serious stuff that I’m sure she tuned out to. But it made me realise how important it is to me personally to ensure my kids know that I’m not just on this planet to fetch them food and wash their clothes (though, honestly, some days it does seem as though that is all I do). I wouldn’t change what I’m doing for the world – I DON’T want to be absent in my kids’ lives while they’re young; I want to help in their classroom and take them to their after-school activities and make afternoons fun and their childhood memorable. I don’t regret this choice for a second. But I do ensure they know that when I’m on the computer blogging or writing copy for crafty projects for other sites, taking photographs, attending the odd launch or replying to emails, that it is work. And I’m lucky that my job is fun and that they get to participate in it, but for my kids sakes – particularly my daughters – I don’t want them to think that being a mother is all they should aspire to be. Because I don’t want to be JUST a mum. I am more than that – I’m a woman, a creative, a writer… They may be young and will no doubt get this as they grow, but I feel I need to drum it into them by example somehow.

I don’t even know if I’m making sense anymore! Basically, I think just like parenting itself, the work vs stay-at-home is such a personal case-by-case thing, there is no right or wrong way to do it. You have to do what feels right for you and your family. I feel that’s what you have done and I admire you for it xxx

I highly suggest reading this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Mama-PhD-Women-Motherhood-Academic/dp/0813543185

I’m not tenure track, but I am a full time professor with a toddler and this book was incredibly encouraging.

YES to everything you said! I worked full time with my first and hated it. It was so chaotic trying to make sure between my husband and myself who could get to daycare before they closed. All to turn around and do it again the next day. I switched to part-time but when my second was born I quit because the amount of money to put two kids in daycare was ridiculous. Now they are both in school and I am in that gray zone where I want to be there for them when they get off the bus but also want to use my brain. I feel like my college degree is going to waste!

Just wanted to say thank you for posting this, as it really hits close to home. I’m a full-time working mom with 3 daughters, and I constantly have an internal battle with myself about what’s right for myself and our family. Seeing each of the things that you miss and don’t miss are just so relatable. It’s refreshing and reassuring to hear from you (and other women) on this topic, because let’s face it. Despite how awesome and supportive our husbands are, no one understands what you’re truly going through besides other mothers. Thank you!

I think Ideally if I could do it again-I’d work a very simple part time job. Maybe work a couple years, stop and stay home-then work a couple more. I never planned to lose myself there but it happened and it’s been a digging out process. And with being a mommy-if you do a good gob-they end up leaving-that sucks.

This was such a wonderful refreshing post to read, all your points are spot on. Sometime I do wish my husband would realized how easy his life is because I stay home and take care of the kids and house. I am also so grateful for his hard work so I can stay home. My son also asks me not to go back to work because he loves coming home after school. It is a great job but not an easy one. It is always nice to read that someone shares my same thoughts. Thanks

I’ve been a SAHM now for 5 years, and my oldest just started kindergarten. Especially at first, I missed working and interacting with adults. Now, I’ve accepted that you know what, what I do is very important too. I’ve toyed with the idea of working part time, but with my husband’s irregular hours and no babysitters nearby, it’s not feasible. And now with my husband earning more than we did combined before, I guess I should just appreciate it. Though, I do miss doing something other than being “mom”. One day, one day :)

did you know that walgreens offers work from home options for rphs? you work off hours as a verification for the central filling stations and stores. just if you ever wanted to have your cake and eat it too … :)

Dana, this was a really great post. Thank you so much for writing it. My husband and I both work and we had to do the same kind of soul searching a few years ago when we looked at our finances and realized we would be paying over 30k for childcare the next year. We decided to both stay in the workplace for a reason that you didn’t specifically mention above, but that is present in every one of your points. In order to be a successful stay-at-home parent you need to have a supportive spouse.

I grew up with a stay-at-home mom and it was wonderful for me. Even though I am a working mother I truly believe that being a stay-at-home mom is the best way to raise your kids. It was wonderful for me and for my siblings. It was terrible for my mom. My father (and I love him dearly) was not supportive. He constantly berated her for being lazy. He controlled all the finances and criticized how much she spent on groceries while simultaneously making large purchases like new trucks for his business without consulting her. He often used the word “parasite” to describe her, even after she got a teaching degree and started working when I was in high school. Eventually he had an affair and separated from her. That was 10 years ago but they are still not divorced, on the grounds that if he has to split everything up they will “lose everything.” He lives in their house with is new girlfriend. She is living with my sister, has very little income, and no retirement.

As you can guess, I took some very strong life lessons from this. I have always felt very strongly that I will be the one to support my family, that I will never let anyone have financial power over me, and that I will always be able to walk away from a relationship whenever I want and still be able to support myself and my kids. Despite this I still believe being a stay-at-home mom is the best way to raise children. However, I think that being happy as a family, and continuing to be able to love and respect each other is even more important. If you are a stay-at-home mom and have this happiness, both you, your spouse, and your family have something amazing. I have huge HUGE amounts of respect not only for stay-at-home parents, but for the spouses that support them and love them unquestionably. Everyone has doubts of course, but action, words, and honest communication are what is important.

I met my husband when I was 14 years old and that was it for both of us. :) We’ve been together 24 years. I love him unquestionably. He is the hero of my life. However, he had a much tougher childhood than I did and one of the things that he still carries around is a possessiveness of things that he sees as “his.” We realized early on that in order for him to feel happy and secure he needed his own money. He has a separate checking account and a portion of his paycheck gets diverted into it so that he can spend it on whatever he wants. And when we sat down and looked at our finances and home life, even though we knew it would make more sense for one of us to stay home, we made the choice to both keep working. We absolutely knew, knowing our unique personalities, that we would sabotage our happiness together if we didn’t. It wasn’t an easy choice and it is STILL not an easy choice. I feel like it is a choice I have to make over and over every time I drop the kids off at daycare at 7am and pick them up at 6pm. Maybe we will look back on it one day and regret it. But it was the right choice for us then and now, and we made it as a team.

It makes me incredibly happy to see a family that has a stay-at-home parent and a supportive spouse. It’s like I feel there is hope for the human race! You and Steve truly are my heroes! *grin* It makes me incredibly sad when I see a family with a stay-at-home parent and a spouse who is not supportive. Not wanting to stay at home, and not being supportive, are not bad things. It is just who we are. But not recognizing it, or thinking we can “make” it work can be a toxic recipe.

So in summary, thank you for listing it all out. The thoughts, the hopes, the fears that you have even when it IS working. It makes me… so happy. Knowing it can work, not in a superficial my-life-is-so-wonderful 50s housewife kind of way, but in a REAL way full of hard work, doubt, acceptance, sacrifice, and LOVE… it really is a wonderful thing. So thank you for writing this post.

P.S.: Your kids are not the only ones you make happy by being there when they get home. Your readers are also SO HAPPY when one of your posts pops up. I speak from experience. :)

Yes! The haircuts!

I needed this post so much today – THANK YOU! I just transitioned from working full-time out of the house to being a SAHM/Part-time WAHM. It’s great to hear the perspective of someone else who also has experience in both worlds.

I couldn’t have expressed my own feelings any better than you did here. I quit my job as an analyst to stay at home with my daughter 2 years ago. There are some days when I experience so much joy watching her grow and learn and other days I want to lock myself in a closet while she’s growing and learning. I would add to your list that the highs are higher and the lows are lower on the emotional scale. Not sure if it would be under “I miss” or “I don’t miss”, but it describes how my seemingly failures are directly affecting the people I love the most, as well as the successes. Which is something new I never had to deal with in the corporate Healthcare environment.

Thank you for this post. I’m sending it to my husband to read as well. Nice to hear other families think abut the same things we think about.

I agree with Dana. Too often feminism is considered “the ability to do the same thing men do.” My personal belief is that feminism is the ability to make your own choices and take charge of your own life without other people (or yourself) putting roadblocks or limits in your way because of your gender. It applies whether you decide to be an executive, a SAHM, a wrestler, or a professional cross-sticher! It is about choosing and owning your own life, unlimited by gender.

Thank you for this post! The only thing I would add to the “I miss” list is: I miss the change of scenery going to work gave me. Sometimes I feel my house is a prison because I’m here so much (especially last winter!!), and I don’t really have a place to visually escape. However, I am very happy with my choice and would totally do it again. I feel like we have so much freedom compared to other families I know, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. In a few years my youngest will be headed off to school and I have been brewing up a part-time consulting gig I think I can do. Extra money will be fun, and extra brain expansion will be heavenly! For now, I sew to keep my brain busy. I had no idea how to do it before, so I’m 100% self taught. Figuring out how to get 3 yards of flat fabric to turn into a dress that fits me perfectly satisfies both my technical side and my creative side. Bonus: being well-dressed!

Dana, another great and relevant post. Are you in my head? I struggle with these same issues everyday. I think that a lot of moms do, we just don’t talk about it. I work PRN as an SLP. I either don’t feel like I work enough or when I do work, I think about all the things at home that I need to do. I will tell you this though, you will not regret staying home with your kids. Our oldest is a senior this year and I don’t know what happened to the time. Even if the days sometimes go on forever, the years fly by! Don’t give that up if you don’t have to. Even though our youngest is eight and we still have a lot parenting to do, I do worry about what I will do when they are all grown. I don’t know that working full time will fill the void. Great topic. I would love for you to address this again if you have any further thoughts. BTW, my husband is a pharmacist at Wags and I know what a grind it is and how rude people can be. He usually comes home and says “Well that will wear you out.”

This topic is something that is on my mind daily. I have 19 month old and am pregnant with our second. I work full time out of the home, as does my husband. The rat race has really gotten to us and the fact that we are both disenchanted with our jobs doesn’t help. I am heart broken everyday at the fact that our son spends more of his waking hours with others at daycare the with my husband or me. I feel like I miss out on a lot of his life in order to work and the time we spend together during the week is mostly consumed with getting ready in the morning or getting ready for bed. The thought of doing all of this with two is daunting. My first thought was to figure out a way for me to stay home but I worry about all of the things I would miss from working outside of the home and worry I won’t like it after all. I have a small handmade business that I am trying to grow, which is hard with limited time. My hope is that I could focus a little more time on it if I stayed home, giving me the creative outlet and communication with the outside world that I know I’ll need, not to mention a little extra money for our family. It’s such a hard decision to make, especially walking away from a decent job that I know can be hard to come by for many these days. Even though the negatives seem to outweigh the positives many days it’s easy to forget the pros of having a full time job outside of the home, of which I know there are many (my awesome co-workers, contributing financially, more freedom financially, interacting with other adults, using my brain in a different way, using my college degree, basically what you listed above).

Thank you for this post; it helps me to remember that it’s ok to have these feelings and worries. I’m not alone. No matter what we end up deciding to do I know it’s for the benefit of my family and that’s the best thing I can do for them. No one said being an adult and a parent was easy!

I too have been home for 8 years with my 3 kiddos. I have the very same situation with an amazing husband! He works so hard (and travels) but when he is home, he is so very present…such a hands on parent. We are in this together and we are doing it right, for our family. I feel so lucky to have the ability to be home with the kids during the day. As much as I miss using my brain and socializing, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I watch the working parents of the world try and manage it all and when it comes down too it, I enjoy the simple things – like staying after school to play with buddies, keeping a kiddo home for a 1-on-1 date, etc…our life is simple, but man is it good. These are the days we will remember….

This post made me think of this article about how being a stay-at-home parent is a luxury for the working spouse: http://www.babble.com/relationships/being-a-stay-at-home-parent-is-a-luxury-for-your-spouse/

I’m the working one and LOOOVE knowing that my daughter is being taken care of by her father and some of my to-do list is getting taken care of during the day. I know it sounds like a cliche when Steve says your worth is more than a paycheck, but not having that rush in the morning or extra errands to pick up the kids makes all of the difference.

Very thoughtful post. You really nailed the pros and cons.
I stayed home twice – the first time with my own, and the second time with my grandkids when my daughter’s husband left her. Her divorce coincided with my being down-sized out of a corporate job. Also coincided with aging parents with medical problems. So it just made sense for me to take care of the homefront.
Now the grandkids are grown, and the “old folks” gone and lots of free time but I haven’t been able to find many companies eagerly looking for an “older” person, even if they have a college degree and experience.
But as I read your post, I realized: “The times, they are a changing’”. How wonderful that you’ve found a creative outlet that brings in some money and keeps you stimulated.
Not sure blogging is the answer for me, but now I’m inspired to think out of the “must be an employee to have a career” box.

Thanks for posting – I relate so much to your thoughts, having quit working as a School Psychologist a year ago to be able to stay home with my two kids. In order to make it work financially, I opened a home daycare where I watch three other children. I literally had a day last week the only thing I felt I had accomplished was cutting my son’s fingernails, ha! I feel ya on the pressure to keep a clean house, etc. and sometimes resent that I’m judging myself on my domestic abilities? (Who have I become?!) What I miss the most: work friends. What I don’t miss at ALL: the Sunday blahs. I hated the stress of my job and now I never dread Monday morning! It’s incredible how much head space that frees up.

I really enjoyed this post! I’ve also enjoyed following along with your transition and renovation adventures here on HT. I’ve been a SAHM for 15 years… And, wow… It’s gone by so fast! Thanks for letting us get to know you a little better. Also, I thought I would let you know that the phrase is “pique my interest”. I understand if you want to delete my comment. Yes, I am that friend that will let you know when you have food in your teeth or toilet paper on your shoe :) Happy weekend!

I think you did a wonderful job presenting your opinion on this much debated topic, but I’m a little disappointed in many of the other commenters, especially the one that compared her kids to the kids of two working parents! Shame on QS777! I think we all need to be the best person we can be in the situation we are in and NOT compare and compete with other parents. Don’t we try to teach our children this basic concept? I happen to be a dentist who works 3 1/2 days a week and I love it and couldn’t imagine giving that up, but at the same time my mom was a SAHM and many of my best-friends are SAHMs and I think the world of them.

[…] thought this was an interesting discussion going on in the comments regarding the transition from working mom to […]

I’m not trying to be inflammatory, but I’m just genuinely curious: what differences do you see between children with a stay at home parent and children with two working parents? Because I couldn’t go to the playground and tell you which kids were which (kind of like I can’t tell the difference between kids who were bottle fed vs. breast fed).

This is such a wonderful post/essay. I love that you lay out the pros and cons and realities of choices and lifestyles. So often, these conversations are rife with judgment and jealousy, and this is a refreshingly honest look at the concessions and benefits of what we choose to do. As a WAH parent to 3 kids, I grapple with the exact same questions. I enjoy my flexibility, but I also go a big bonkers without a workplace, and that same flexibility often means finishing work late into the evening or weekends to accommodate our family needs. Also, my friends, family and neighbors have no idea what I do since I seem to be around all the time! My one comment is that things changed so much when all three kids started full time school (2 years ago). Suddenly, being home and working at home changed from monotony, craziness and isolation to much more freedom and flexibility (of course I love my kids, etc.!). Anyway, thank you so much for your thoughtful and insightful writing!

I had my daughter summer of 2013 and went back to work full time after a 6-week maternity leave. I quit completely in May and had all these thoughts! When it comes down to it though, I’ve figured out that I don’t miss anything about working besides the paycheck it provided (and the freedoms that came along with making twice as much money as a household) and that I’m going to stay home as long as I can. I am in the real estate industry, so there are still ways that I can make an income without having to commute or do the 8-5 in an office.
To make up for the lack of social interaction — I do classes at the gym, I have “play dates”, I do a girls’ night out twice a month. To make up for the lack of intellectual stimulation — I listen to a lot of public radio, thought provoking podcasts and will be starting German classes next week.
Staying home is absolutely a luxury for our family, but one that we are prioritizing. Thanks for starting this conversation!

I work full time and I’m happy that I do. The things I would miss would be similar to yours, but the advantage is that at it’s essence I really like my job. That’s key. Also, I think it’s good you recognize that you don’t want to lose yourself in being a mom. I am the oldest of three, and even though the nest was not empty when I went to college, my mom totally freaked. I think it still colors our relationship even nearly 25 years later. Your kids will thank you for having your own life. They will also appreciate you for having been there for the small moments. That’s the thing I regret most about not being at home with my kids. Take care. In the end if you are satisfied with your choices, your kids will sense it and be happy with it too.

I feel so incredibly blessed to have the best of both worlds. I do payroll for television shows and when a hiatus hits or the show ends I get the pleasure of being a stay at home mom to my 9 yr old daughter and 13 mo old son. I love my job and the challenges and of course the money it brings. It’s perfect for me because when I start to feel like I want to stay home it’s great because I know I will be able to soon. When I’ve been at home for a while it’s nice knowing I will go back to work and my brain is going to be used and those dear pay checks are coming my way again! I can’t believe how blessed I am. I truly am so thankful and grateful. And I love your blog!

This. So good. Thank you for keeping it real and authentic.
I am currently a SAHM after leaving work just under 2 months ago. It’s such a hard thing to let go of a career that has been a main source of my identity. I wonder if I will ever stop cringing inside when someone asks, “so, what do you do?” I think it will be a journey in and of itself to let go of titles and “just be”.
All my best…

Wow. I feel like I totally could have written this. So many of the things from your miss list, I too miss from being a teacher. I loved my job, and the feeling on contributing to our family budget, but like you said, in 15 years, I doubt I’ll look back and wish I’d worked more, but I WOULD regret missing this short time I have with my kids, before they are both off at school. In the end, they have always had me around and don’t know any different. I never had to put them in daycare and I feel blessed that we too can be a single income home, even if that means we make some sacrifices now and have a smaller home than we would if I worked. But, that is what I love about your blog! You have reminded me that living small isn’t a bad thing and I seriously found your blog and your message right when I needed it most! After the YHL announcement (so sad) you are officially the only blog left that I read, so thanks for the inspiration!

Maybe it is because my job was just particularly mind-numbing (and it was!) but I do not feel like my IQ has dropped since leaving work. I felt like that after leaving college and starting work. But since I started staying home, I have had a lot more time to read and be involved in groups and activities outside of my work.

I have only one child and he will be three soon. When he was a baby, I just read him whatever I was reading at the time. He happily cooed through Guns Germs and Steel. Now, of course, I have Chica Chica Boom Boom memorized. But still, he goes to bed at seven and naps during the day, I can’t blame him if I am not up on my Proust, you know? And since my work before was done on a computer sitting in a cubicle, I actually get more adult interaction now than before. I was never a joiner before. Now I am a proud joiner. I love mom groups and church groups and book clubs and volunteer organizations.

I am incredibly lucky, I get that. I have an easy kid. He is easy to take places and he sleeps well. I realize that this makes staying home very different for me than it does for someone staying home with say, three kids or even one particularly challenging child. And things could change- we have not even hit 3 yet. Still, I am trying to just enjoy this time for the enormous blessing and luxury that it is.

My husband also works long and unpredictable hours. He travels fairly frequently for work. We both feel like dealing with childcare and a full time job for me would be more trouble than it could be worth right now. I do all of the housework. In our case, this has actually made things less stressful. We used to fight over whose turn it was to clean the kitchen or bathroom or whatever, now I just do it all. I know that nobody else is going to do it, so I don’t put it off. Now if we had ever managed to actually split up the chores, I am sure I would miss that.

I guess what it comes down to is that 1) I had a really lousy job and 2) we were never any good at managing the house plus two full time jobs and 3) I have an easy kid.

Still, I don’t think that staying home is the answer for everybody. My mom stayed home for 12 years, through three kids. She was miserable. She felt depressed and isolated. She went back to work and everyone was so much happier. I mean, she was a wonderful mom and did everything so well, but she wasn’t happy. I wish she had felt the freedom to return to work earlier since it made such a difference in her happiness (and consequently, the whole family’s happiness.)

I worked in healthcare for 10 years and I had to leave. I couldn’t handle the way healthcare is treated, and I didn’t feel like I was making a difference. Rather, that I was being slowly crushed by an inability of our society to understand that healthcare is not a privilege!

We only have this one life, why spend it being unhappy! Thank you thank you for this post!

Dana – I love this post! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I started reading your blog just as you were making this change (and it grabbed me immediately!). Shortly thereafter I chose to take a summer leave from work to spend time with my kindergartener. One week after starting leave I found out I was pregnant (after many years of infertility treatments, and two babies who died shortly after birth). I didnt return to my stressful structural engineering job of the past 16 years. However, I continue to manage our rental properties while I get to be home with my baby and son. Its going on two years now and I’m so happy! And my husband is too. For us, the timing was just right. I will be managing my parents rental properties starting in the next few months and plan on growing this business in partnership with my brother down the road. Its an exciting balance of flexible work and family, and I LOVE it. Again, thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences – I am always thrilled to read about this part of your life, and the small home and simplifying as we live much the same way!

Thank you for this post. It put into words what I often feel. That is all! (SAHM for 3 years, with #2 arriving in a couple of months)

I should have explained that point more since I think it applies more to older kids. I certainly didn’t mean to say either way was right or wrong (I have actually done both and for our family, me staying home works better for all of us, but not really for me).

I actually hadn’t thought too much about it until I was talking with a friend of mine who teaches middle school who once told me she could, with great accuracy, tell whose students’ parents stayed home with them vs. not. For her, it tended to be more of a behavior thing. She thought it probably had more to do with consistence in terms of correcting poor behavior, aggressiveness, etc. Not sure if that is entirely true or not since I know plenty of working parents who are very involved with their kids and some who stay home who you would think were single and let their kids do anything so not really sure and it certainly isn’t scientific. I think I just tended to notice more after our discussion – kind of like when you get a new car and suddenly notice your car everywhere. My kids just didn’t seem as aggressive like taking things from other kids, calling them names, etc., and I have no doubt I’m, in part, using that to justify to myself on my bad days (when I have to do “creative bookkeeping” because my husband doesn’t get paid until next week) how staying at home with them has helped them, but what do I know? I’ve never had kids before so I am just muddling through as best I can and just hoping I can get them to college without any major problems. ;)

As I previously stated, I don’t think either way is the right way. Everyone has to do what is right for his/her family.

absolutely loved this post. I don’t have kids yet, and am not even married, nor do I own a home, but everything still resonated with me. A testament to how great you are as a writer (and of course, mother, wife, blogger…).

just wanted to let you know I love your blog and appreciate all the work you put into it. and these more “feelings”-based posts are so nice to read in between the other great posts. so…thanks!

I love the way you put together your list and need to make one of my own. (Why “need”? I don’t know, but I guess I’m like you – sometimes it helps sort one’s thoughts to write things down.) I was thrust into stay at home motherhood 3 years ago somewhat against my will after I lost my job as a lawyer while on maternity leave with my 3rd child (of 3). After a certain point, I had to “own” the choice to be a stay at home mom since I wasn’t out there seeking a new job. (Now I’ve just dipped my toes back into part time work from home.) There are certainly things I miss and do not miss about working full time as a lawyer.
Anyway, I’m curious to read all of the other comments here. I can’t really take issue with your list because your feelings are your feelings, but I have to say that I always bristle at the “using my brain” thing. It’s a common sentiment, and I get it, I really do. And yet, it has always struck me as a bit unappreciative of the skills required to get through parenthood. I use my brain in different ways in my so-called “job” as mom than I do in the workforce, sure, but it still takes a lot of planning, logistics, negotiation, problem-solving, patience, communication skills, culinary skills, etc., etc., I could go on. I’m sure you know what I mean. I think a lot of times people miss applying specific skills that they trained for (like accounting, pharmacy, sales, etc.), so maybe that’s what is meant by missing using one’s brain. Others use it more as a shorthand for “I miss adult conversation”. But when my (largely male) co-workers would greet me after each maternity leave with comments like, “It must feel good to use your brain again!” I couldn’t help but feel that was a bit sexist, in the sense that the traditionally female work of rearing children was under-appreciated for how difficult it can be. Food for thought. : ) Thank you so much for sharing your list and opening up a fun discussion.

Thanks for the thoughtful post! I was lucky enough to have a great role model in my mom. She worked and raised 4 kids and 2 step kids. So for me, I always knew I would keep working after having kids. I love my 2 kids and I also enjoy me job. Sure, it’s a lot of work and logistics can sometimes get a little crazy, but I don’t regret trying to do both.

Wow, could I relate to your post. Former teacher and reading specialist who chose to stay home with daughters after 13 years of a wonderful teaching career. My pro and con list would have been very similar at your stage. Now, after 21 years home, I have two happy, educated, and hardworking neat women I raised who have many, many shared memories of day to day moments with mom. My husband (Ph.D Neuropsychologist) has had a very successful career and I helped with that! It’s nice one of us continues to work with kids (autistic) and make a difference. Quantity time beats quality time.

Thank you so much for this post. I have largely been a SAHM for the past 17 years (oy! my eldest is a senior in high school!) However, a few years ago, I became involved in developing a new concept for SAHMs who are also attorneys in the Chicagoland area. We create pro bono legal opportunities for SAHMs who want to do “something” during their precious free free hours. This allows them to satisfy some of the things you “miss” right now, while leaving them available to do all the things they want to do with their kids. By creating probono work that can all be done between 9am and 2 pm, and done mostly from your own home, we have gotten 150 attorneys involved and currently have nine different projects running, providing over 4000 free legal hours in the last four years! Clearly, there was a need out there that we did not even realize when we first started out, and much of what we are hearing from our attorneys fit into the things you talk about in this post.

In addition to helping the SAHAttorney, we are also providing legal assistance in geographical areas and legal fields that are desperately in need of more attorneys. Your post today really resonated with me, on a personal level and with regards to this work I am doing now. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. If you want to know more about the agency (which is now a 501c3 and just hired their first two employees — I’m one of them!), please do to pro-bono-network.org.

Peace

Another great read for those of us SAHMs who once were really–truly–professionals, even if it feels like that never happened!! http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-cant-have-it-all/309020/

Haha! I knew that looked wrong but was too exhausted mentally to think about it. I’m changing it NOW because typos irk me!! (Also, I appreciate it when someone tells me I have food in my teeth.)

Kudos to you for learning something new! ( and being your own teacher to boot ) I am always inspired by people who are willing to try new things just for the sake of doing something different.

What a great point to add to the conversation! And one that I probably overlooked because Steve is so supportive. You’re right, it would be downright awful if he weren’t as supportive as he is. I won’t take that for granted. I’m so sorry to hear about your parents’ relationship but glad to hear that you and your husband communicate openly about important topics in order to make things work for both of you. Thanks for sharing your story.

I think you’re onto something. I see Mabrey pushing her shopping cart around, taking care of her baby and pretending to cook and I don’t get worked up about it but I do want her to know that that’s not all there is to being a woman. I make a point of doing other things in front of her: writing on the computer, painting, taking pictures, using tools, reading books, exercising, tackling projects that require manual labor, etc…just because I want her to see that side of me, too. I want her to know she can do whatever she wants and I want my boys to know that women are capable, competent, intelligent and strong.

We do limit each child to one activity at a time. For instance, this summer was swim classes for the boys. Now that that is over, Everett is doing tennis and Layne is going to open gym where he used to do gymnastics competitively. As much as Steve wishes they were, the boys aren’t really into competitive sports so we have that going for us when we are trying to keep our schedule simple.

Back when Layne was competing in gymnastics he was putting in 10 hrs practice/week and traveling on weekends to compete. It was so time consuming! We had started him in gymnastics at the suggestion of an occupational therapist. (Layne was diagnosed with a sensory disorder when he was much younger.) We were hoping to see improvement in his symptoms so to watch him compete in real events was pretty amazing. Eventually, he made the decision to quit competing. We were a little heartbroken but we knew he wasn’t going to be a pro and we had gotten waaaaaay more out of it than we ever anticipated so we supported his decision. It’s fun to watch him practice at open gym without the pressure (or cost) of competing.

I’ve always said that if one of my kids were super passionate about an activity, then we would be open to putting more time in but, so far, that hasn’t happened. They ask to go to the library more often than anything else and I’m completely happy with that!

Funny you mention this! Now that both boys are in school full-time, I enrolled in a tennis class. There’s a nursery on site for Mabrey. My first class was this week and it was great!! It’s been over 15 years since I’ve held a racket (I played in high school) but it felt really good and I met some new women. Can’t wait to go back next week!

Loved this post and the ensuing discussion. It is great to see a realistic perspective on this topic – not too strongly coming down on one side or the other, but a personal pro/con analysis. Thank you for putting yourself out there like this, especially on this hot-button issue.

All these words. Yes. Love them. But you know what I also love? That picture of your perfectly loaded dishwasher. Don’t you just love it when everything is neat and organized in the dishwasher? No? Just me?

There is something in the comment about being praised for your contributions to the family but not feeling comfortable about hearing it. He “regularly reminds me that my worth isn’t directly related to the amount on my paycheck. I know he means well but it sounds too much like a cliché.” If you regularly said to him “thank you for paying for everything” I think he’d start to feel uncomfortable too. My husband is supportive and says nice things also but they don’t really sit well with me. It feels like encouragement and I don’t want to need to be encouraged. I’m lucky because I usually get to sell a house every few years (that we have both been working on, true). I count that as my money because I am the driver behind the Real Estate decisions. But I find, even if it’s a really large pay off, we forget about it. I have to verbally remind us both, “yes, I did earn money.” And for some reason earning money is very important. On the other hand – being here for the kids, making a hours worth of phone calls every day, cleaning and creating the life they’ll remember is what I am doing these days. I’ve got two boys in two different plays, one who loves baseball and they have a chance to go sailing on Friday afternoons. Those opportunities go away with me at work. I understand how important that all is.

I just became a SAHM and I could never really put into words this strange feeling of adventure that came over me and it’s absolutely like being a freshman in college. Thank you for that!

Thank you for writing this thoughtful, honest and heartfelt post, Dana. I’ve been a SAHM for a little over four months now and have been sitting on my very own post of how to put into words everything I’m feeling. In answer to one of your questions towards the end of the post, personally, I don’t find staying home (my kids are 4 years and 4 months old) creates a void of intellectual stimulation at all. I have an advanced degree and formerly worked with Ph.D.s all day; it was an outwardly challenging and intellectual setting. Being at home, especially with my 4-year-old, I find myself constantly thinking and reading about activities and projects we can do together. Finding experiences that will expose him to new things, reinforce the things he already knows and lead him to ask questions about the things he doesn’t yet know. My heart has always been in teaching and now I feel like I have my own little pupil to teach.

What really strikes me is that I am on the flip side of this and have felt many of the same things. I have been very blessed to stay home with my children for 15ish years and I recently decided to get another degree and enter the work force again. As a SAHM I often felt like I didn’t contribute to our household in the same fashion as my husband and my kids and my home being in a state of disaster was a direct reflection on my skills as a mom. I think we all go through phases in life as we grow and change and I count myself as being very fortunate to have the chance to be with my boys for so many years. And now that I choose to re-enter the work force to do something fulfilling to me, I again count my self as so fortunate! Cast out any doubts and ease your fears just embrace this phase because it all goes by so quickly!

Hello,
I’ve been reading your blog for over a year, an really enjoy reading your posts. This is the first time commenting. I’m an empty nester now but I was a stay at home mom for several years. I had worked full time until after my second child was born then my husband an I decided it was best to not work outside the home (mainly child care costs, commuting) I returned to work after my youngest graduated from high school. Looking back I have NO regrets. I cherished the time I spent with my children. Childhood is fleeting, before you know it they’re graduating from college. Sure there were many sacrifices but in our minds it was worth it. My husband an I are now enjoying traveling. Most importantly we feel good that our now adult children lead good independent lives and are thriving well.

I agree with you, I don’t think there is a difference strictly because both parents work or not. I think it only has to do with how children are raised and sometimes it’s not even reflective of that. I’ve seen horribly behaved children from both environments as well as the opposite. I think if both parents are working, it does add a level of difficulty, but so does being low on cash when only one parent works. I can identify with the latter. Stress is stress, it just comes from different sources and that makes parenting and everything else more difficult. It’s a trade off like everything else to me, one plus with at least one negative if not more.

I think that from an economic point, it’s better if both adults do paid for their own security in life. I have never worked outside the home other than sporadic paid and pro bono freelance design work and I wish I had made it a priority. There is something about that experience that gives a person a sense of self and place in the world and not just because of the money. Staying at home you can literally disappear from the world. Someone commented that staying at home was better for the family, but not for them personally. Sometimes I feel this way, but when I start thinking about all the details of both of us working, I quickly think I’m good at home for now. However as long as I’m taking a class or researching something I find interesting, I’m good to go for the most part.

Loved this post, Dana! I think staying home is more work than most imagine. The summers are incredibly hard for me and I long for school to start back and then I feel so selfish for feeling that way. School starts and I miss the summer days with the kids. My house is always a disaster and I feel like a bad mom and wife because work takes so much of my time, but I don’t get anything done in the summer with all four home. I am not sure what the balance is? I am trying deep breaths and to enjoy them while they are small because it goes so quickly.

I know I’ve posted twice already, but this discussion is awesome. I love all the varied experiences. I think every family no matter the makeup struggles with this and there isn’t a perfect situation. Is it just me or does it just seem so hard to remember that? I’m really glad you posted this and got the conversation going!

Haha! Some days, it’s my greatest accomplishment. And I celebrate it like all the rest…with a glass of wine ;)

You are a wonderful writer; keep blogging. Have you written anything for publication?

I agree! I love hearing everyone’s perspective, too. But what I love most is that we all seem to have similar feelings and questions – even under different circumstances.

I LOVED this post. I’m getting married next year and we plan on starting a family soon after, so this was such an interesting read!

I hardly ever comment on blogs, but I just thought I’d pop in and let you know that I have been LOVING your blog lately. You’re on a roll, lady! It’s so refreshing to follow a blog who puts together interesting content every. single. time. So, thank you for that! :)

Thank you for sharing. This is a topic that has been on my mind non stop since I returned to work. My son is 11.5 months old now. I am only working part time but I can feel the strain it has on our family. Neither my husband nor I really like taking our son to daycare and consequently we are both miserable. For us financially we still need my income. We are in the process of trying to fine tune the details of selling our house this spring and moving into something that will fit our new (half the size) budget. But it is scary!! Quitting my job… selling our house… moving away from our neighbors/friends!! I know it is my youth and immaturity speaking but I worry about what our friends will say about us (probably not true friends..eh?). Since having our son, this past year has been a big year of growth for us. Growth as a couple and growth as our own individuals trying to figure out what our true priorities are in life. Dana, how did you deal with downsizing and moving away from neighbors and friends? Did you stay within the same school district? You seemed to have done it so gracefully! As always, thanks for sharing.

Dana,

This post resonates with me on every. single. level. I couldn’t stop nodding my head in agreement with what you said, and I’m so grateful to know that I’m not alone in my feelings (and our situation was very similar, with me earning double the income, but still deciding to make do on his salary).

Similar to your posts on the things you each want in a dream home (loved those posts!), do you think Steve would want to make a list of the differences with you being home? Like, the things he appreciates (or misses) now that you are home? It would be interesting to hear his perspective, though I’m sure you hear it from him often already on the hard days that make you question your sanity. ;-)

Completely agree with you. It is a hard shift to make. I went back part time after being home for the past 20 years and after 3 years of working I’m quitting to stay home again. I miss the house and family being my number one focus and so does my husband and almost adult children. My husband is a pilot and travels a lot so everything tends to fall in my lap when he is gone so it’s going to be much less stressful for me to just be home all the time again.

Can I just tell you how much I loved this post? I’m in a place now where I’m trying to figure everything out. I have 2 kids in school and two at home with me during the day. I teach nutrition and health courses online from home while doing the stay-at-home mommy thing, in addition to the cooking, cleaning, laundry…you know the day to day life stuff. The flexibility of working from home is great and to help out financially is nice but can also be challenging. After 8 years though, it can get a little boring teaching the same preset courses over and over. I’ve recently started my blog just as a creative outlet for me. Something that is just mine. It is hard to find that balance and to feel okay with taking time for ‘me.’ Having a supportive spouse is huge, so I am so grateful for my sweet husband. Thanks again for this post and for your blog. It’s definitely a bright spot in my day to read.

Yes! love your words!

Ohh Wou! I planned to repply to this post on Saturday. Then, the day got busy and I forgot and then today tehre are 120 repplies. How great it is to know we share similar situations and to learn from others. .. I am 37 have two kids age 4 and 2 1/2 and I am a full time working mom. I stayed home for 2 years and had teh same feelings some people and Dana described here. I did some soul searching and read about personality types, and the fact is that I am a ENTJ (you can read about the 16 MB test personality types all over in the web and books ect, it is been there for long time and is main topic in MBA schools). So for me earning money and facing all the time intellectual challenges is a most. Otherwise, I dont feel content with myself. I went back to work a year ago. I like my work and I like the fact that I can make many changes at my company and earn good money. It is of course, a challenge… getting the kids dressed, picking up, dropping off, dinner etc etc… My mom has been a huge support 1. She was herself full time employed while the three of us grew up and 2. She is been with me for the last 6 months and has helped a lot in the transition. If one day, working full time at a company does not work out, I know I will have to open my own business. What gives me some sort of realive is to know what I want and who I am. Before I was full of insecurities, because I knew I liked to work, and produce money and be challenged, I enjoy that. But I felt guilty if I went to work and left my kids in the kindergarten from 8 to 5 pm. So, it was always an internal battle between these two line of thought. Right now, I dont feel guilty, I learned that from my Mom. I focus on my kids from 5:30 ownwards (no phone, no ipad, no home office aftrer 5 Pm), and I am the happiest. Again, I think this is not the best for everyone. It all depends of personally types. Some are really genetically designed to enjoy staying at home and some not. Dana, all the best for you. Thanks for posting your feelings so openly and beautifully…

You really hit the nail on the head with this post! My husband and I had a similar decision to make when we had our first child last December – for me to continue working full time, we would have been paying half my take-home pay to put Luke in daycare, in addition to my time with him being incredibly limited. I too made more than my husband, but just like you, I hated my job – so me staying home was the logical choice.

Something that’s helped keep me from falling into the “Completely Consumed by Kids” zone has been running my at-home business. Sure it makes getting housework done nearly impossible since the priorities go Luke, then Studio255, then the house – but it helps me feel like a contributing member of the household and gives me more to talk about than just the house/baby when my husband gets home at night/when I’m at a social gathering. It helps me keep feeling like the self I’ve always known.

Whenever Luke and I are out for a walk, or doing something fun together during the time of day that I used to be working/commuting, I always stop and remind myself how lucky I am to have a husband who was willing to keep working so that I can have this time with Luke and have this time to build my business. Who would want to be stuck in a cubical when they could be playing in the newly fallen leaves with a baby?

Thanks for putting into words what I’m sure most career-women-turned-stay-at-home-moms have thought on more than one occasion :)

This post couldn’t have come at a better time Dana. Naomi and I were just having this conversation the other day. I agree with everything you said here. I am, however, thankful that my kids are 7 and 12 and are pretty independent now, which is a huge help. I get a bit of time during the day while they are in school, but that mostly consists of cleaning, laundry, tackling projects, etc. There are definitely days when I need a moment, but the pros of being home far outweigh the cons. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

Two comments about your thoughtful post:
1. I’m amazed that any mothers have time to get their hair done or eyebrows waxed, take care of their own doctor appointments, exercise, or buy new clothing. I have two small children and a job as a librarian, and there’s no time for self care, but I don’t imagine staying home would help much. I’d still be working full time.
2. As someone who works in a school, I’d like to debunk the notion that children of stay-at-home mothers are somehow more well-behaved or socially adept. Certainly, parenting is a major issue when it comes to children’s behavior, but it is not the only factor. The students I work with who have behavior issues come from all walks of life and some have mothers who work outside the house and some do not. Arguments can be made both for and against having the mother working outside the home. The stress and guilt we feel as working and SAHM mothers is about us, not our kids. At least that is my belief.

Thank you so very much for writing this post. I am not the best when it comes to explaining my emotions and frustrations, especially to my husband, and your post really shed the light on why I feel the way I do. I had a staging business in DC and I had to close it down when we moved to California so my husband could take an amazing job opportunity, but I know find myself a bit lost wondering what I am doing. I catch myself talking like a toddler and I worry that I am losing all that I learned in school and with my business. However, all of the comments to this post also show that there are many others out there like me and that there is a community to talk to. Thank you.

I’m not a mom yet, but these are questions I still ponder. It looks like you have lots of good reading material here already, so what’s one more? This article backs up your idea of not being completely consumed by motherhood: http://qz.com/273255/how-american-parenting-is-killing-the-american-marriage/

I think that’s a great idea! I’ll see what he thinks…

We didn’t stay in the same school district so I did worry a little about the boys moving to new schools. But, luckily, we moved to a *better* school district, IMO. The boys transitioned really well. The weren’t old enough to have very close friends so I didn’t feel like we were ripping them away from life-long friends.

It was difficult leaving our neighbors. We were really close! We still keep in touch and get together every once in a while but it’s not the same as walking across the yard to knock on the door. We’ve made new friends here although they aren’t within walking distance from our house. Our neighbors are very nice – mostly retired elderly couples although there are a few young families so our kids have kids to play with. It’s a good mix.

Downsizing was the easy part. Renovating was the hard part. Living in a smaller, less expensive house with less stuff has been a relief! But living in a constant state of “work in progress” for the first two years was hard. I like things tidy and I’m blessed / cursed with being able to envision how projects will look when completed. Those two traits together tested my patience!

There are trade-offs to downsizing but, for us, what we’ve gained outweighs anything we’ve lost. Some family members have made (not so positive) remarks about our decision to downsize. It was disheartening but made us want to do it even more – to prove them wrong! I hate that our society makes us think we need to live in the biggest house we can afford. That’s absurd!

Yeah. Same. My mom was happy working, and the balance worked for me when I was a kid, and it works for me now as a working mom. I miss: getting the house really clean, feeling relaxed on a weekday – I really relate to the comment about always needing to be 3 steps ahead! I don’t miss: moving at adult pace some of the day, a broad group of friends brought together through the workplace, scratching a certain ambitious itch. We’ve poked and prodded our jobs to make it work for us – I’m home two afternoons per week and my husband is home one, and then we have babysitters for the others.

I’m struck how this is a great discussion of these topics, with the words “feminist” and “SAHM” in the same conversation and no one back-biting, for example. I think our generation – with moms who may have worked, and able to have a wide range of choices – is really growing into those choices and learning how to do what’s best for each of us (at least if our family’s overall income allows it). It’s really heartening!

I loved this. I think it’s so easy as a mother to forget about yourself. But I know that if I’m not taking care of my body, and mind, and heart then I can’t be my best self for anyone else. Maybe someday we can stop comparing how everyone runs their family and just support each other in our decisions. Whether we work outside the home or not we have to still cultivate ourselves. This is what makes the hard times tolerable!

[…] post titled “what I miss and don’t miss about […]

I have just found your blog…and reading this entry brought back the early days with our now nearly-grown kids…I had the better paying job when my husband and I got married, but one thing we both knew before we said, “I do”, was that I would quit my job and stay home with our kids…I couldn’t imagine somebody else raising them. We totally had to tighten our belts and I had to cash in my 401K and my retirement in order to pay off a couple of loans…it was the only way that I could stay home and not draw a regular paycheck! My mom nearly died when I did that…and my husband still likes to bring it up from time to time in front of her. Anyway, I look back, and I remember those days that I missed being out of the house…A LOT…and the friendships I had…the adult conversations…the extra money…the hour-long commute with nobody but me and the radio…I missed a lot. But all I had to do, when I was at my lowest, was think about dropping my kids at somebody’s daycare every morning and I would once again know that what I was doing was the only thing I could do…and nearly 21 years later, I wouldn’t have traded it for the world. Trust me, you are correct, you will never look back and wish you had WORKED (outside the home) more…you’re doing a great job and I admire any couple who can make the sacrifices that we did and that you are making…it’s an investment like no other! Best wishes and I look forward to reading your blog!

Thank you so much for this post. I have been a SAHM for over seven years and almost daily wonder what has happened to my brain power/IQ. Nice to see others feel this way. I admire your way of living and I am sure your family loves having you home :) Best Wishes!

Oh Emily, how much I needed to read that line about bad days feeling so much worse now and good days even sweeter! I’m a SAHM now after having y first baby in June, and how that resonates with me.

Thank you, Dana, for putting into words so much of how I feel now and can see myself becoming.

AMEN! It is absurd. We live in a 675 sq. foot house. We will own three house by the time we retire because of it. And have a good stable rental income in our retirement years. Love the message you are sending out, that bigger is not better.

I don’t have the option to quit my job because I’m a single mom. Be grateful you even have the option.

I really enjoyed this post. I don’t have children yet, but worked with children for 7 years and recently got an office job that I highly enjoy. I can relate to a lot of these factors, only in the opposite way (I’m glad to finally use my brain again!) I’ve read a lot of articles on the subject and believe that having one partner stay at home is quite beneficial for the whole family. I hope I am financially able to do so once I have children. Keep up the exhausting work!

Dana,
I too am a pharmacist who married my college sweetheart. I was able to stay home with my children until my youngest went to kindergarten. I then went back to work full time thinking the children would need me less and less. Well, boy was I wrong. I think my middle and high schooler not only needed me home physically ( for rides, etc. ..) but emotionally too. There are lots of changes for them during these years.
I think my family would have figured it out if I wasn’t able to stop working but I’m glad I was able to. I have the best of both worlds too because the chain I worked for agreed to let me fill in when it works for both of our schedules. It keeps my brain working and I feel like I stay up to date.
Every family has it own rhythm and when one person can’t do something another can pick up the slack. It’s a good lesson for everyone,even our kids. We all need to realize every mom is doing the best they can and not everyone has the same support at home or the skills to do better.
I’m glad your decision to stay at home is working for you and your family.

[…] But you know what? It was all worth it. In fact, it turns out the timing was perfect. It was just what we needed, although it took me a day or two to completely relax. At home, I don’t sit down until after the kids are in bed for the night. Lounging doesn’t come naturally. But by the end of the week I had it mastered. (Piña coladas helped.) And guess what? The kids were fine. They even missed me which doesn’t happen all that often since I quit my day job. […]

Love this post. I always thought I would want to be a stay-at-home mom, but during my maternity leave I realized pretty quickly that I wouldn’t enjoy it. The next five months were REALLY hard, though, because I went back to work and realized how much I hated my job. It was boring and very unfulfilling.

When my daughter was 7 months old, I was lucky to find a great part-time job (I work 32 hours, so four days a week) at my church. My daughter goes to daycare on-site, which is a HUGE benefit. Two-and-a-half years later, I’m still loving it (and due next month with my second kid). I run a lot of errands on my lunch break and it’s a great balance for our family.

I think a big part of enjoying life as a working mom is having a job you really love. Otherwise there is NO way I could be apart from my kid that much doing something I didn’t enjoy.

I love this. I often find that most of my “mom friends” are never willing to really be honest about their work as a mom, especially the negative sides. They have this guilt about being “selfish” if they don’t see their lives as stay at home moms as anything but perfect. For instance, my closest friend loves to work. She was a CNA before she had her 3 year old & 5 month old and talks about how much she misses the work but ALWAYS comes back to the fact that she should just be grateful to get to be the mama to these beautiful boys. I always try to explain to her that having dreams outside of her family, has nothing to do with her greatness as a mother but it’s never fully understood by her. I find this so sad. As someone that is not a mother herself, partly because of genetics & partly by choice, it scares me to think that having a child could take my dreams away. (I do understand that it’s not that my dreams would be lost, it’s just that they would CHANGE.) I just feel bad because I want the moms of the world to get what they deserve. I want people like you & my friend to have your cake and eat it too. After looking back at what I put my own mother through as a child, I now understand why mom always said eating in a restaurant alone was one of her favorite past times.

I hope you enjoy that random jumbled mess above. :)

Love your words. Thanks for sharing :)